How Gay Men Show Affection Differently Than Straight Couples

Same-sex couples deal with many of the same relationship challenges as straight couples. But they also have to navigate unique cultural mores when it comes to expressing their love and affection. For example, while some might think that gay men wouldn’t be big on kissing and cuddling, studies show that the majority of gay men kiss as often as their heterosexual peers and value physical intimacy just as much. Still, there are some important differences in how gay men show affection differently than straight couples. To be sure, plenty of same-sex relationships share the same sweet moments that any other couple would appreciate: flowers, poetry, hand-holding, candle-lit dinners, etc. And yet we all know that something feels different in this particular sort of relationship. How do you express your love differently from a typical straight couple?

Kissing and cuddling, for everybody?

Let’s start with the basics: not only do gay men kiss as often as straight couples, they also kiss in the same way — with tongues included. While plenty of straight men avoid tongue in order to preserve a sense of propriety or keep from embarrassing their date, gay men keep it in the date. Of course, this doesn’t mean that all gay couples kiss with tongues. But if a couple does, it doesn’t mean anything about their sexual orientation. As for cuddling, it’s another aspect of physical intimacy that is not limited to straight couples. Research shows that gay men are just as likely to snuggle up as their heterosexual peers. Again, this doesn’t mean that all gay couples cuddle, or even want to. But it’s just one more way that gay men express their love and affection in the same way as their straight counterparts.

What does physical intimacy mean to gay couples?

In the same way that there are no rules when it comes to dating a straight woman versus a straight man, there are no set guidelines when it comes to how much physical intimacy is “normal” in a gay relationship. That said, most couples who do engage in frequent kissing and cuddling (with or without tongues) will still draw a line between the two activities: maybe some light hand-holding, but no making out or going further. Remember, no couple has to adhere to certain standards just because they’re gay. At the same time, if you notice that your partner seems to draw a line that seems unusual given your cultural expectations of dating, it’s worth exploring. Many gay men have been taught that sex should always be initiated by the man, and that men are more sexual and attracted to other men. But in a modern relationship, this means that the man is always initiating sex while the other partner is often left desiring more intimacy. For gay couples, the key to physical intimacy is finding a balance between being sexually active and making sure that everyone gets the affection they want and needs.

Sex is not the be-all-end-all for gay couples.

Physical intimacy isn’t just about sex — and in many gay relationships, sex isn’t the be-all-end-all. Sure, a lot of gay couples are having sex — but just like in straight relationships, sex isn’t the only or the most important way to be intimate. Sex (and other forms of physical intimacy) are important in gay relationships, but often less in terms of a performance or a goal and more as a way to connect with a partner. Again, no sex schedule or rule applies to gay relationships — just as with straight couples, every couple is different. But it’s important to understand that sex isn’t everything in a same-sex relationship. Sure, you’ll probably be having a lot of sex. But there are other ways to be intimate and to show your partner that you care.

Honesty and communication are key — with a few caveats.

Another way that gay couples can express their love and affection in the same way as their straight peers is by being honest and open with one another. Not only is this true of all relationships, but it’s also important in gay relationships because many gay people were not openly gay during their adolescence, when most people are exploring their feelings about love and affection. In other words, even if you were out as gay in high school, you might not have had the same experiences as your straight peers when it came to dating and love. That’s why it’s important to talk to your partner about the ways in which your cultural experiences — the ways in which you’ve been discriminated against and have had to keep your love a secret — have shaped how you express your love.

Regardless of your gender or sexuality, love is always a little weird.

As we’ve seen, there are plenty of ways that gay couples express their love differently than straight couples. But at the end of the day, love and relationships are always weird. You’re choosing to make your life more complicated — which is both a beautiful thing and a profoundly weird thing. Regardless of your gender or sexual orientation, navigating all of the cultural norms, expectations, and assumptions about dating, courtship, and love will make it feel very strange sometimes. And that’s fine. Dating and love shouldn’t be easy. It shouldn’t all make sense right away. It’s supposed to be weird — and it’s supposed to be fun.